Elan Fraser

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Herbal Fortune Teller

Birthing Creativity

Before becoming a mother I dealt with so much anxiety, not feeling all that worthy, nor accomplished. Never really feeling comfortable in my own skin. Days would pass where I would have to deal with depression. I had my projects, jobs, and interests that I felt were respectable but unfulfilling. Mostly as placeholders for when the anxiety riddled question raised "What do you do?" came up.
I have no idea... I've been studying herbs, am I an herbalist? There are so many herbalists who have been doing it longer and know so much more than me. I definitely don't make any money from it.
Are you ever something if you don’t make money from it? I've been taking courses in cartooning and make zines that I never actually sell. If you ask me my greatest deep down dream it would be to become a manga artist creating an apocalyptic drama centered on a black woman saving the world. But do your
dreams make you who you are? I went for school for architecture and even worked as a designer at a large company and a small architectural firm. But I always felt so distant I always felt so distant from it.
I'm a farmer and a homesteader but clutch your pearls, I'm a black woman that wears colorful nail and hair extensions. Many times I am met with how I look juxtaposed with the things I do. So what exactly am I or supposed to be doing?
Then I became pregnant and everything about me and my existential came to a sudden halt. Did having a baby make me feel a strong identity to now being a mother? Nope! Not really. But it did give me this new reservoir of strength, courage, and confidence to be comfortable in myself and whoever that may be!
In my life I never had an experience as surreal as having a baby. It was scary, stressful, vulnerable, and lonely, all while being in the process of giving birth to a new human life. Basically after that having the confidence of birthing any future creative project pales in comparison.

- Elan Fraser

Elan Fraser Herbalist | Farmer | Soapmaker. Elan is currently living in the Catskill mountains enjoying the start of homesteading life.